Walk

Amazement occurs when
walking in
into another life, into a dream

World shaking love can happen
at the drop of a pin
just by walking in
into another life, into a dream

Overreaching fear can take you
as quick as sin
just by walking in
into another life, into a dream

Choosing to walk in
Choosing risks
by not holding it all in
Allowing hearts to open

Risking all or risking none
by walking out
out of another life, out of the dream

Go out into the rain
Go out into the sun
Walk out, take another risk
Walking out, can be like walking in

Take a chance on dreams
even when all is lost
take your risks
don't be afraid
the unknown is just that
unknown, until you walk
and then you know.

Moving April 18 2013

It's the year of 3's and 9's
and I am moving every day this week
picking up things I forgot I owned
and taking them to a new home

In between I caught a cold
and found time for friends
while I drove the mile
back and forth, with carloads
of my life.

I worried about my children
I celebrated my new couch
I cleaned my new kitchen
I feel new, and yet, I am
finding all the old treasures

Moving is so exhausting
but so cleansing and
so right for me now
So I will wash and play
and celebrate and sleep on a floor

until the moving is done,
then it's time to start a new life
and embark on the new road
to a happy life full
of laughter

Autism Awareness, April 2, 2013

I got up today
less enthusiastic
about the fact
that it's world autism awareness day

So what? I thought
I am aware of it every single day
My little boy,
the most special guy I know

He is a face of autism
I watch him struggle
to be understood
to live in a world
that is not suited to his
operating system.

I watch him smile
because his sister teases him
I watch him laugh
for no reason at all

I wish to get inside him
to know what is going on in there
I wish to give him the
body of love
that I feel when I look at him

I know that he will be with me
for the rest of my life,
so I do what I must
to prepare us both
for the long road

I try to give him
what all mothers hope for
a love of life
despite all the struggling
to find his way
in this disagreeable world.

I hope that one day
he will be able to
tell me all about
his experience of life.

But for now
I will just love him
and care for him
and keep him safe
from those who don't know
who he is.
Just a regular boy
with a different operating system.

Which just makes me,
Like all mothers
raising their precious children.

My boy! May life always
be happy for you
May you continue to
have the best people in your life
keep you safe
and love you
when I'm gone.

He is Autism
He is beauty
He is perfect
He is my baby boy
He is Eli

Broken Glass. March 29 2013

My mother collected pretty things
Jewelry, Plates, villages of wood
Holiday things and cat things
She liked to surround herself with
memories and beauty

Many times I felt like
I did not belong among
the collections
I wasn't a pretty thing
to be treasured and displayed

Rather I was a reminder
of things that went wrong,
things she didn't want to recall

today I am packing to move
to a home that is all mine,
never shared with my past
I am excited, I am packing
the few pretty things I have

Suddenly, a goblet shattered
the play of emotions in my breast
the sadness, the initial panic
the feeling that my mother
would be disappointed in me yet again

I felt like a child
I broke love
and made my mother
find yet another reason
to turn away from

the one thing in her life
that wasn't a displayable
object of beauty.

Me, I am a broken glass, and I need the glue of love.

Two Poems

Spring Equinox

I died

I found the desire

to be lovingly touched

to not fear asking

for the love I need

after

after playing and crying

after dancing with the child

I never allowed myself

to be

She entered my womb

and made

spinning

tornadic

emergence.

Walking with Elijah

It was so cold out but we
put on our coats and went
out the door. Ready to move
he walked far ahead
and I shouted, Wait!

I put on my music
and walked to the beat
I caught up.
He took my hand
His was cold but he
was so happy to be
walking with me

His joy bled deep
into my soul and
I wanted to sing
I wanted to dance

What defines him is
that beautiful ability
to revel in simple pleasure
to walk along
just happy to be

I realized
we can have
these perfect moments often
every day if we remember
to greet the world with
simple joy

Poems for the last few days

March 11th poem of the day:

Babies
They are smiles
they are squirms
they are joy
wrapped in a small package

when you get older
and you can't have your own
all you want to do is hold
other mothers' babies

because they are soft
because they are joy
wrapped in a small package

March 12:

Making a story

Today instead of writing a story
I made one
with my hands

I molded, I cut, I folded
I sewed and I drew

And before my eyes I created a story
It was beautiful

March 13th

Stress

Some days you wake up stressed out
after a night full of dreaming about
things that make no sense in the morning

Coffee spills instead of going in your cup
the breakfast you made burns
and the children won't get up

You cheer when they get to school finally
thinking, now I can rest
but when you get home, some new crisis
comes in. And rather than welcome it
You get more stressed

The children come home from school
and won't do homework or clean up
the many messes they make throughout the afternoon
they argue and push and pull

The stress mounts as they are refusing the good food
you hoped would calm everyone and make them happier
then instead of baths they run screaming from you
and fight with each other

After all you want is for them to go to bed
and they won't, instead they are running
running into walls, running in the house
jumping on the furniture
Loud, Loud, Loud!

Eventually they do go to bed, though
and you can sit and write this poem
and pretend things were worse than they
really were.

It was really just another day in the life
of a crazy, amazing, awesome single mom.

Confusion

I took my time
I learned
I grew
I changed, slowly

One day I stopped being scared
So I began again
renewed, different, but accepting
of what will come

Then something came
and I grow exasperated
because finally
fire, passion

and I am terrified
of getting burned
I am filled with scarlet visions
of forked branching paths

Which one to take?
Why do they all lead to more
branches of choices
I must make

Head spinning
heart racing
nail biting
now shove my hand in the fire!